The Memoirs of Uzumaki Naruto
by SonPanSatan
Summary: My first effort in wholesale cliche slaughtering. Naruto's more serious this time around, but he's still Naruto. AU
1. In the Beginning

Authors note: This is an Alternate Universe piece. The point of divergence should be clearly shown in the first chapter. The general idea for the fic is based on a complaint I have about the character of Naruto. While he has his unique points, he is much too similar to every other Shonen Jump characters. I am attempting to preserve his uniqueness while moving away from the Shonen Jump stereotype. The fic will more or less follow the Manga up until the end of the Chuunin Exam, after which it divergence becomes much too great to have it follow the main story.

My promises to you, the reader.

1)No Yaoi/Yuri among cannon characters. Not even jokes about Orochimaru.

2)No Mary Sue.

3)A signed review will elicit a personal e-mail reply. Replies will not take up the space of this fic.

4)Angst in moderation only.

The Memoirs of Uzumaki Naruto

Book the First: Dead Last

Chapter 1 – In the Beginning

I suppose it is a matter of definition that all stories should start at the beginning. However, finding where, or rather when, the beginning actually occurs is often quite difficult. For me, everything started when I was born, but the real story started long before that. One could say it started when the hidden villages were founded, or perhaps when chakra was first discovered, or further back still when a certain fox demon was brought forth mewing into this world? Alas, I don't have the inclination or the knowledge to go through several hundred years of history for you, whomever you are. I'm sure that reciting the history lessons I've learned at the Academy is NOT the reason I'm writing this.

As for the reason I AM writing this, I'm not quite sure myself. I suppose that I just want some way to set down events from MY point of view. With my background, I'm probably the most misrepresented person in the history of Konoha. I'm usually thought of as either a demon that should never have been allowed to live, the greatest ninja ever to walk the earth, or a manipulative bastard who has manged to capture undeserved attention. There are only a handful of people still alive at the time I write this who I can say really know me. This will therefore be the story of Uzumaki Naruto: The Man, a story I can safely write without being worried about pissing anyone off. That, or I'm just doing this since I'm bored out of my skull.

In any case: In The Beginning, I was born. I can only assume that I had both a father and a mother, though their names are lost to me forever. I've always wondered who my parents were as a child, often fantasizing me as the son of the Fourth Hokage, an unacknowledged child of a Hyuuga or Uchiha (a wish that was ironically absurd in retrospect) or perhaps even a long-lost prince of the Great Emperor of the West. However, the sad fact is that I do not know who my parents are, and the one being who might know isn't on speaking terms with me. In any case, who my parents are isn't important except for the fact that they weren't there. What IS important was that right after my birth, the one of the greatest demons known to man was sealed into my belly button and because of that I was hated for my entire life.

Now the jump in logic to "demon sealed in child's belly" to "hate the child" may not be immediately obvious. The people of Konoha technically didn't have a reason (in the classical sense) to hate me. However, after the destruction the Nine-tailed Fox Demon, the Kyuubi Kitsune, wreaked on the village, the people were hurt, and angry. Ancient homes were reduced to kindling, loved ones were ripped away, young lives were tragically cut short all within the space of a few days. People under that type of grief needed someone to blame, to take out their frustrations on. Usually they would blame the gods, the enemy, or politicians, but this time they were fortunate to have me. It's rather surprising that I was allowed to attend the Ninja Academy, or even survive my childhood at all. I'm sure much of it has to do with the efforts of the Third Hokage. As much as I appreciate his actions, I can't help but wonder why he couldn't have just not told anyone that I was the demon's vessel. I mean, what did he THINK was going to happen?

In any case, while I was in some orphanage the first few years of my life, when I was six I was given my own apartment, with a caretaker who came around every day to make sure I hadn't gotten myself killed. I remember feeling relieved when I had a place of my own, since I didn't have to deal with the hostility of the other kids and the adults at the orphanage. Being able to go to sleep without having to worry if someone was going to dump a bucket of ice water (or worse) on you while you slept was a BIG plus. However, after moving out life got boring. Besides the school work (which was boring) I spent most of my time wandering aimlessly, hiding from the adults, running from the children, or huddled in the corner of the library reading their pathetically small manga collection for the umpteenth time. It wasn't a very happy time for me. I was bored and lonely and miserable and I had no idea why. I might have gone through my entire life like that if it wasn't for one incident when I was seven.

Life is often strange in funny ways. For much of my later years I kept on wondering what if I had turned right instead of left, or if two different policemen were off duty that day? Would my life have turned out to be completely different, or would I have come to the same conclusion on my own? In any case, by fate or by luck, one summer evening when I was seven, I found myself playing a game of cops-and-robbers with several kids two or three years older than I was. Rather than being happy at being included, I was rather upset at the others, mainly because I didn't agree to play. They just spotted me walking along the river and decided I needed to be arrested. Having been a victim of their "police action" before, I was in no hurry to be caught again. After a chase that took me through what seemed like half of Konoha, I rounded a corner and happened upon two real policemen lounging in front of an outdoors equipment shop.

This was the first time that I had seen a policeman in person, so I was suitably in awe. My teacher at the Academy described them as the guardians of Konoha, the protector of its citizens, defenders of the wronged, paragons of light and justice etc. etc. Every young child loved and feared them, or were at least respectful of their power. Seeing them up close only served to increase my awe. They were huge, towering over everyone else with bulging muscles, covered with scars that were a testament to their experience, and carrying around huge swords (at least these two were). To a seven year old, they were perfect. Being perfect, they would surely help me out with my problems. I asked them for help, and they said no.

Every child in elementary school are taught how to become good people, and to treat everyone with kindness. Unfortunately, those lessons never seemed to apply to me. While I thought it possible that children, or even some adults, could ignore these ideals, fact that the police, elite guardians of the village would break their own rules never crossed my mind. I didn't believe it at first. I tried reminding them of their duty thinking they had just forgot. I assured them that I wasn't really a criminal, and that it would be kidnapping. The policemen did nothing. Even as I was being dragged away I screamed "You're the police! You have to help me!"

The reply was, I'm sure, quite a bit more profound than they intended it to be seeing how flippantly it was given. "No one cares about you. I don't have to do anything."

I had a lot of time to think about this as I was being held in their "super-secret prison base". The words just kept repeating themselves in my mind "I don't have to do anything." Up until this point, the only real idea I had about the rules and laws was that the adults enforced them and the kids followed them. The idea that the defenders of the law would not follow their own rules never crossed my mind. "Can they do that?" my young mind wondered "I guess they can." From that realization, a thousand possibilities sprung forth. What if my teacher ignored the rules and allowed others to pick on me? What if someone stole my things and the police decided to ignore it? What if I was KILLED and the entire incident laughed off as a joke? While the entire world seemed to be against me, I always had the comfort of knowing that if they couldn't do anything too bad because the law would punish them. Now the world suddenly became a very cold place.

It became clear that if no one would protect me, then I needed to protect myself. I needed to become stronger, so that even if everyone in the world turned their backs on me, I would still have myself. That was the conclusion I came to as I began working my way free from their "escape proof" knots (they had left me there when going home to dinner.) In retrospect, it strikes me as highly ironic, that from being determined to take on the entire world if need be, I would make the greatest sacrifice on their behalf. Life is often strange that way.


	2. The Idiot's Guide to Ninjas

Authors note: This is an Alternate Universe piece.

My promises to you, the reader.

1)No Yaoi/Yuri among cannon characters. Not even jokes about Orochimaru.

2)No Mary Sue.

3)A signed review will elicit a personal e-mail reply. Replies will not take up the space of this fic.

4)Angst in moderation only.

The Memoirs of Uzumaki Naruto

Book the First: Dead Last

Chapter 2 – The Idiot's Guide to Ninjas

Having decided on my career path at the tender age of seven, I quickly discovered an unexpected flaw in my plan. Being a ninja was HARD. Sure I knew in a very abstract way that I would be embarking on a long and difficult journey. However, such foreknowledge somehow doesn't quite convey the feeling of staring at a half finished essay at two in the morning, trying to remember just three more branches of hand seal theory, while doodling your teacher being killed in thirty different ways at once on the dinner table. For those of you who don't know about ninja training, the initial academy accepts three classes of thirty people each. Out of these ninety people, only nine manage to become genin. For anyone wanting to become a ninja, this was a massive uphill battle.

The cutthroat nature of ninja exams is one of the reasons that ninja clans arose. Children whose parents were ninjas gained a personal tutor to help them with their ninja skills, explain the finer points of chakra manipulation, and teach them their family techniques. In a climate where the most minuscule advantage was of the utmost importance, this was a massive advantage over those who only had a textbook to follow. Hence, certain families will constantly graduate ninja, while everyone else had to struggle to graduate.

Of course, I didn't have the advantage of a ninja family, or the advantage of having a family at all. I cooked my own food, painted the walls myself, occasionally cleaned, and in one memorable occasion I attempted to fix my own plumbing. That incident (which eventually led to the septic tank being replaced) got me kicked out of my old apartment. The Hokage was going to send me to another apartment, but I got him to send me to a small house on the outskirts of the village. Not only would I have more freedom, but I would be out of the way of most of the villagers. Plus, I could grow my own crops and not have to buy them from villagers at inflated prices. By doing everything myself, I could grow independent from the village and not have to depend on them for survival.

Upon retrospect, I could have avoided a lot of my problems by just using Henge and pretending to be someone else. While it was nice to be on my own, growing crops took time, preserving them for long term storage took more time, maintaining my own house took time, and the one hour walk between the academy and my home took yet more time, time I could ill afford to lose. That, combined with the fact that my textbooks kept being stolen, most of the academy teachers couldn't be bothered to help me, and my poor chakra control and it was a wonder I managed to stay in the class at all. I have no idea how I managed it but somehow, between the late night study sessions, copying books from the library, and sheer determination, I made it to the final exam, which I flunked.

The reason I flunked the exam was because of yet another disadvantage that I had, the Kyuubi. I didn't know this at the time, but the seal that was holding Kyuubi in was steadily leaking chakra into my chakra system. Since I didn't have a lot of chakra when I was a kid, this made my chakra unpredictable and hard to control. The control issues got better once my chakra pool began to grow, so the leakage wasn't as apparent. However, back in my pre-genin days, the only way to help the control issues was to draw a lot of chakra at once. This tired me out quickly, and my teacher, Umino Iruka, was constantly yelling at me for spending half my chakra to perform a single Bunshin. By the time the final exam came, I could do a Henge, but the test was for a regular Bunshin.

I HATE the generic Bunshin. I'm a master of twelve different variants of Bunshin, and can form them from Water, Sand, Chakra, or even Ramen. However, the standard Bunshin uses a tiny amount of power, and I'm not good at emitting small amounts of power at a time. Even now, I'll occasionally fail if I attempt a regular Bunshin. At that age, I didn't have a hope.

Naturally, failing the exam made me extremely depressed. Years of hard work down the drain because Iruka selected the one skill out of the entire academy repertoire that I couldn't do. I half wondered if he did it on purpose or not, but I didn't have any evidence, and he was right about the skill being essential for survival. Still, it was galling to think that after having the deck stacked so heavily against me, that I should fail once again because of dumb luck.

I was so depressed over this turn of events, that when Mizuki offered a special way to let me pass, I accepted almost immediately. Finally, this was the opportunity that I've been waiting for. This was a chance for me to not just be another student, but to do something extraordinary. Surely sneaking into the Hokage's residence and stealing a scroll from under his nose was a lot more prestigious than performing a Bunshin. For one shining moment, my future opened up before me.

However, just as quickly the doubts began to rise up, questioning this turn of events. Why did Mizuki want me to graduate so badly? I haven't heard about him doing this with anyone else, or that there were alternate ways to graduate at all. Wasn't what I was going to do illegal? Did he talk this over with the Hokage previously and get permission? If I failed, would I be killed as an invader? Was that the entire purpose of the "offer"? I hadn't had anyone try to kill me yet, but that was more likely than someone wanting to help me out of the blue. Unfortunately, by the time I was finished thinking things though, I had already agreed.

I decided that the best course of action was to simply play along. I didn't lose anything by verbally agreeing. If I decided not to do it, I could simply say I failed, or turn Mizuki over to the ANBU, depending on the situation. After grilling him on what to do, it turned out that he was going to use Genjutsu to distract the guards and cover my breaking, leaving the task of avoiding the most powerful ninja in Konoha to me. This was looking to be rather "unofficial" and I was beginning to suspect that I was being set up.

Now, the intelligent thing to have done was to just smile and nod, then turn Mizuki over to the ANBU as soon as I could. However, the idea of a scroll filled with powerful techniques was incredibly tempting. After all, if I was to become a powerful ninja, but couldn't become an official one, I would need other methods of gaining skills. If the techniques in the scroll were powerful enough, I could at least use it to defend myself if attacked. Besides, I could blame it on Mizuki if I was caught. So after much deliberation and thought, I decided to break into one of the most fortified buildings in Konoha, trusting in a known liar to protect me, risking being killed on sight as an intruder, all to steal a scroll full of techniques that are extremely dangerous to use.

Sometimes I wonder how I survived childhood.

The actual break in was pretty easy. Mizuki did a good job in distracting most of the guards, and years of experience in keeping out of people's way helped me avoid the rest. There was one incident where I was almost caught, but I managed to Henge into a patch of carpet (blending into the existing carpet) and thus avoided detection. After making sure the Hokage was gone, I managed to get to the library and get my hands on what I hoped to be the Scroll of Seals.

As I mentioned before, my textbooks had a nasty habit of being mutilated or stolen. Since the teachers were constantly unhelpful about this, I eventually learned the skill of quickly copying the chapters off the school textbooks to take home and study. This was of great help to me as I unrolled the Scroll of Seals and began to copy the contents as fast as I could. I was afraid that the contents of the scroll would be in some sort of code, but in a rare instance of good luck, the instructions were plainly written out for anyone to follow.

Upon retrospect, one thing I should have done (besides not being stupid enough to do this in the first place) was look over each technique and see if it would help me or not. I was concentrating on listening for the faintest sound of a guard or the Hokage himself and not really paying attention to what I was copying. Hence, there were two techniques that I copied that I couldn't use, and one that wasn't really suited for me. Still, I did manage to get a good number of techniques down before I heard the purposeful steps of the Hokage approaching the room.

Now sneaking my copied notes out of the room was a challenging task. Fortunately, I had the aid of one of my favorite jutsus, the Henge. The ability to turn into almost anything and anyone is something that is much overlooked. Not only can one copy other people, but one can become weapons, shields, wheels, an inconspicuous rock, animals, and hundred other things depending on the situation. Most people simply use it to impersonate other people, which is a terrible waste of potential. In this case, I could not have used the Henge to impersonate someone else. A few simple questions, paired with the Hokage's eagle eyes observing my body language, and i would have been found out instantly. Instead, I Henge-ed into myself, only without the paper or ink stains. Someone who looked like Naruto, talked like Naruto, and acted like Naruto, and was actually Naruto would never be suspected to be under a Henge.

The Henge was just a failsafe. I was planning to make a daring jump out the window, followed by dashing across the rooftops to the market districts, then ducking down into the river and trying to escape through the sewers. I got to the "jump out the window" part, before I came face to face with a half dozen ANBU, cutting my escape plans short. Thankfully, I wasn't killed on sight, but things really weren't looking good for me. It seemed like my strain of bad luck was still going strong.

Notes:

The ninety academy entrance figure is taken from Sasuke's report card as a kid.

Since Naruto didn't perform his pranks this time around, no one really interacts with him.

Naruto tries to keep out of people's way this time. This, combined with better coordination with Mizuki, enables him to break into the Hokage's residence without being caught.


	3. Second Chance

Author Notes: The plot should start to pick up at this point. I should also begin to diverge more from the mainline plot.

The Memoirs of Uzumaki Naruto.

Book the First: Dead Last

Chapter 3: Second Chance

It wasn't until later that I realized how close I was to dying that day. I had no idea how kill-happy the ANBU were, and being an intruder in the Hokage's house, I was very close to being dismembered, with my limbless torso sent to Morino Ibiki for interrogation. It was probably my infamous nature that saved me, making the ANBU recognize who I was. I was merely smacked on the head and dragged to an interrogation room, where I was yelled at for two hours straight. I told them most of the truth, that I was there because Mizuki was going to pass me if I learned a technique from the scroll of seals, that I had found the scroll of seals, but hadn't learned a technique from them, and that I had run once I heard the Hokage coming. Somewhere in the middle of the second hour, I thought I heard Mizuki screaming somewhere in the distance, but that was probably my imagination. The interrogation rooms are soundproofed better than that.

After apparently being satisfied by my answers, the ANBU departed, leaving me along in the room. There was nothing for me to do but sit in the interrogation chair, fidgeting and staring at the cracks in the plaster wall. I didn't really know what was going to happen to me, but I didn't want to do anything that would give them an excuse to kill me. The seconds turned into minuets, which turned into hours, and all the while I was getting more and more nervous. I was just beginning to contemplate making a break for it when the door opened and in walked, not the ANBU from before, but the Hokage himself.

"My goodness, you must have had a busy night, Naruto," the Hokage said as he took the seat opposite the table. He didn't seem angry at all, but was rather amused instead. "I know that the one of the prerogatives of youth is to do stupid and daring things, but not many people would even attempt what you have done. However, there is one thing I am curious about." Leaning forward, his face took a slightly more serious look "Even with the Genjutsus that were in place, it takes significant skill to sneak into my house like that. Yet when going over your records, I noticed that you had failed your graduation exam. Surely someone of your ability could easily pass the basic test. Is there any . . . peculiar reason you were left behind? Perhaps some conflict with a teacher?"

I hesitated, unsure of what to say. Most of the teachers would teach me, but they didn't pay much attention beyond what was necessary. However, Iruka and Mizuki never did that, so I couldn't say the test was rigged. I wanted to complain that the test was the one thing that I was bad at, but I didn't think I would be believed. "Sure, I could have passed every OTHER test, just not the one I was given," sounded lame even to me. Then again, if there was just the faintest possibility that I could become a ninja, I really REALLY wanted to take it. Seeing my hesitation, the Hokage pressed on. "Don't worry, anything you say to me I will keep completely confidential."

Finally deciding that I had nothing to lose, I decided to tell him about my in ability to do the Bunshin. "I keep on having the Bunshin as the graduation test, and I keep failing it," I said, half staring at the ground. "I can't control it right. It . . . doesn't use enough chakra." At that time, it was the best way I had to explain the problem.

Usually when I told someone else the same thing, they would react with incredulity and demand why NOT using a lot of chakra was a problem, since most children my age had the exact opposite problem. The Hokage didn't seem taken aback or angry though. He just nodded sagely as if I was merely confirming what he already knew. He instead got out of his seat and began to walk outside, motioning me to follow him. We were halfway outside before we ran into Umino Iruka.

Iruka Sensei is usually a very nice person. However, when angered by misbehaving students he becomes really REALLY scary. His eyes bulge out, his face turns red, and he launches into a massive angry rant which can strike fear into any academy student. Even Uchiha Sasuke and Hyuuja Neji could not survive unscathed. Seeing Iruka-sensei causing an upperclassman to wither under the tirade reinforced my desire to not get on his bad side, so when I saw him charging at me with his eyes almost glowing red, I knew I was in for it. Seeing the Hokage slowed him down long enough to give a brief greeting, but didn't deter him from giving one of the largest Iruka-rants I've had the misfortune of enduring. It took the Hokage clearing his throat twice before Iruka stopped screaming on how stupid and reckless I was, and just how close I had gotten killed or blown up trying out a random jutsu.

"Actually Iruka, I was just looking for you," the Hokage continued, walking along as if nothing had happened. "I was just discussing Naruto's ninja exam and why he did not graduate." This got Iruka's attention in a hurry. Evidently, he was anticipating something like this.

"Naruto is competent in all of his other ninja skills, and well exceeds the minimum requirement for all of them." Iruka explained, fidgeting slightly as if he was being tested "However, you know how important Bunshins are in a fight. If his skills are incomplete, he could be seriously injured in a mission, and become a liability to the rest of the team."

"I completely agree with you," the Hokage said, once again as if he had already anticipated what Iruka was going to say "However, I feel it is unreasonable to hold all students to the exact same requirements. After all, just last year a student named Rock Lee passed when he could avoid attacks better than some Chuunin, in lieu of the normal requirements. While the standard Bunshin may be the easiest for most students, some might have unique conditions which may not make Bunshin the best jutsu for them," I was tempted to ask what sort of condition I had, but didn't want to interrupt the most powerful person in Konoha. By this time, we had made it out of the ANBU office and into one of the many training grounds that are dotted across Konoha. This one was nothing more than a piece of dirt, with a few weatherbeaten practice dummies set up on one end. At this time, it was around four in the morning, so it was currently unoccupied.

Making a few quick seals (quick for me, actually much slower than what a high level ninja would use) the Hokage gestured at the ground, where three bulges rose from the earth to becomes three exact duplicates of the Third Hokage.

"Normally the bunshin is best for academy students, since it uses the least amount of chakra," the Hokage explained. "However, for someone who instinctively uses a lot of chakra, the manipulating small amounts is clumsy and awkward. This new technique uses a lot more chakra, but it anchors it to the earth, making the chakra more stable," Turning to me, he said "Do you think you can learn this instead of the Bunshin?" while holding out a small scroll he seemingly pulled out of thin air.

YES! Finally, opportunity had knocked! This was the one break that I had been dreaming about, but never expected to actually happen. Barely able to contain my excitement, I hurriedly agreed and snatched the scroll from his fingers. I bid both of them goodbye as fast as I could and ran at a dead sprint all the way from the training grounds to my house. After depositing the scroll on my dining table/desk, I finally undid my Henge, and placed all the papers I had copied from the Scroll of Seals on the table as well.

After a quick nap and a breakfast of leftover bread and Ramen, I began to look over the scrolls that I had. The first and most important was the one given to me by the Hokage. If I could just learn that one, then I could graduate with my class and stay a ninja. Just being a ninja of Konoha would be enough to discourage most of the lowlifes and bullies that seemed set to making my life miserable. After all, no one would dare attack or overtly bully a ninja of Konoha.

Yes, I really was that naive. I know I mentioned before that I wasn't sure how I survived my childhood. It bears repeating.

While normal Bunshin are simple chakra constructs, to create one out of earth, you had to latch your chakra onto the earth and literally drag it up before you could anchor chakra to it. The first few times I tried it, I wound up either not using enough chakra, causing the dirt pile to slump over before it reached full size, or too much, causing the dirt to explode. Even after I learned to use the correct amount of chakra, there was still the matter of anchoring my chakra to the mass of dirt (filled with rocks, earthworms, half rotten bark and other goodies) and then mold it into the shape of a Bunshin. It sounds hard, but compared to trying to do regular Bunshin, it was actually quite fun. Having to use my chakra to move the dirt around was like molding very lumpy clay, whereas trying to make a regular Bunshin was like knitting a sweater out of wet ramen noodles. Within an hour I had gotten something that looked vaguely human, in two hours I had a passable copy of me created out of dirt, and by lunchtime I could create three perfectly working Earth Bunshins.

At that moment in time, you couldn't have found a happier kid in all of Konoha. Not only had I created a Bunshin, but I had done it better than anyone else, creating the superior Earth Bunshin. To make things even better, I had done it in mere hours instead of the weeks it normally took to learn a technique. As soon as I showed the Hokage this, I could become a ninja like my classmates.

Pausing only to gulp down some more Ramen, I began skipping to town, dreams of being a ninja spinning through my excited brain. I was even creating Earth Bunshin as I went, letting them collapse, then creating them again just for the hell of it. It was creating holes in the dirt path, but I didn't care. The meeting to assign Jounin instructors was tomorrow morning, so I had plenty of time to pop down to the Hokage's office, demonstrate the technique, and then I'd join the ranks of new Konoha shinobi. At that time, I didn't consider the fact that people would not be happy that I had learned a new skill, and would be angry at my success.

That was probably why I didn't notice the Chuunin sneaking from behind me. I DID notice the blow to the back of head, but it was only for a moment before I slumped into unconsciousness.


End file.
